At the bottom of my printing paper stack, I found a piece of A4 paper filled with Chemistry workings and solutions from my A Level years. Probably one of the rough paper I used and carelessly discarded amongst the perpetual mess that is my room.

I look at these numbers and diagrams and equations, and I feel... nothing. Like a Chemistry student who has only cobwebs of Chem knowledge struggling to make sense out of all the equations.

Look at one of the statements I have written:

CH3-NH2 + H2O --> CH3NH4+ + OH-
Lower pKb = higher Kb = more dissociation of OH- = [OH-] increasing

In the prime of my A Levels, this passionate Chem student would have totally understood all these. Now... I don't.

I feel somewhat useless. Chemistry is my favorite subject, and yet, I know almost nothing. It's like ghost memories just flitting through my mind, and I can't grasp the concept, at all, let alone understanding the factors affecting the rate of dissociation of hydroxide ions.

Has the military made me useless? Dumb? Stupid? I fear for my intelligence. I yearn to go back to school, to hit the books once again. The school is where I belong; not some pretentious organization.

Give me accounting, give me organic chemistry, give me some French lessons. I want it all!

4.5 more months till I am free. 8 more months till I am in university. I can't wait.